Seattle,
April 16, 2008
The Dalai Lama has been in Seattle for the past five days promoting his new movie “Dalai Does Dallas speaking about peace and compassion to sold-out crowds. He’s likely staying at the Embassy Suites at the Space Needle because there are kitchenettes in the rooms, allowing the Dalai to safely heat his Hot Pockets. (He burned down a Motel 6 in Indianapolis when he set his hot-plate too close to an issue of Redbook Magazine. He now routinely demands a kitchenette).
There’s a lot that people don’t know about Mr. Lama; they think that he prays all the time and eats crickets while pondering his next life as a lotus blossom. Actually, the Lama is more complicated and surprising. For instance, he travels with the complete DVD anthology of Melanie Griffith’s career, from Working Girl to the voice-over for Stuart Little. He’s also a bit of a booze hound - the Lama’s handlers demanded a case of Modori Melon liquor and two litres of Sprite be placed in his dressing room at the Key Arena so that he could “lubricate” a bit before going onstage.
The Lama doesn’t pray all the time, either. When he’s not speaking about compassion, he’s pitching his line of clothing, “Green Jeans” on QVC. Made of recycled PVC fibres, the garments don’t require washing between wearings; you just leave the garments outside overnight to “air out.” Sadly, he’s currently defending a class-action lawsuit brought by female wearers of the garments who developed the human papiloma virus (HPV) after several wearings. Settlement discussions are ongoing.
The Pope is also in Seattle at the moment, but he’s staying at the Inn at the Market because he doesn’t travel with a hot-plate. The Lama is a bit jealous of the Pope “stealing his thunder,” so the Lama has developed juvenile names for His Holiness - The Poop, Caspar, and Brillo-Head are among them (I don’t understand the last one). In an effort to show Seattleites who’s “boss,” the Lama sent out for a tether ball to be installed in the Embassy Suites and Lama has challenged Pope to the best out of five. Fox 13 at Ten is covering the event.
More surprising than any of the above is this: there is a Mrs. Lama. She’s back in Tibet until - as he puts it - she “can learn how to behave herself.” The last time Mrs. Lama - who bears a striking resemblance to Nancy Pelosi - travelled to Seattle with her husband, she wandered into an Ivar’s Seafood and Chowder House and asked for a job as a night-hostess so she wouldn’t have to return to Tibet as the forgotten spouse of that country’s biggest rock star. They have entered couples therapy and are currently building a hot tub in their back yard next to the trampoline.
April 16, 2008 at 4:29 pm
After spending four years filming “Dalai Confidential,” I really thought I knew everything there was to know about GrandMaster D, but your post has proven otherwise. So he’s the genius behind the Green Jeans thing! I recalled seeing him sitting on the toilet weaving some sort of material into a crotch-like pocket shape…he must have been deep in designer-mode! It also explains why he always wore a codpiece, even in the shower, and insisted on steaming his golden-and-scarlet robes with lavender-scented water every Tuesday night, without exception.
I think so, anyway.
What a character he is, that guy! Brillo-head better watch OUT. Dalai’s got a little of the crazy on his side. I’ve got video footage somewhere of him taking on a librarian in Des Moines during a whistle-stop tour in 1999. That poor woman is still eating throw a straw and hobbling around on maimed legs.
April 16, 2008 at 4:53 pm
Lisa:
You’ve enlightened (no pun) all of us. Speaking of documentaries, there should really be a “Dalai Lama” night on the Biography Channel.
Speaking of codpieces - I heard the Lama’s is a size “XL,” Is that correct? I’d always heard, “it’s not the size of the dog in the fight, but the fight in the dog,” but who knew!!!
Did Dalai Confidential mention that the librarian in Des Moines is attempting a reconcilation with Lama? She says they fight so that they can “make up.” He’s full of surprises, that one!
April 16, 2008 at 5:31 pm
My sister just hasn’t been the same since that library brouhaha - not just physically, but mentally too. She can’t look at a copy of War & Peace these days without crying…and then getting all hot ‘n’ bothered. Tragic.
April 16, 2008 at 5:52 pm
Lengli:
The statute of limitations on Lamas ass-kicking librarians is three years. I’d recommend a good PI lawyer at this point. Also, if your sister has trouble - ahem - becoming romantic with others, she could tack-on an emotional distress claim. I mean, what would the world be like without the lawsuits? Give your sister my regards.
April 16, 2008 at 6:56 pm
The strip clubs of Seattle must be making mad money this week.
April 16, 2008 at 7:08 pm
Tim:
You’re right. Between Dalai and Pope they’re cashing in. But Dalai just got trespassed from the biggest club - Deja Vu - for giving the bartender a wedgie.
April 17, 2008 at 12:17 am
wow, i feel closer to the lama, knowing he loves the midori too
April 17, 2008 at 1:35 am
I heard that the Mr. Lama is really there in Seattle to become a fish thrower at Pike Place Market. For years he has seen that footage on Monday Night Football when they come back from a commercial with a camera man at the market getting a freshly chucked salmon’s head wiggled into the lens and thought to himself “Damn, Dalai. You can’t ascend to the ethereal city of Shamballa without having tried to throw a fish once 25 lives!”
April 17, 2008 at 2:09 am
I suspect ‘Brillo-Head’ is Tibetan for Kraut-face, which is English for ‘Ich liebe mein Goosh-stepping Popedam’ which is kind of Deutsche for ‘Do you have Indian take-away. I’m trying to channel Ghandi.’ These peace-n’love nicks gotta stop with the multiple languages if they’re visiting the US thank you very much.
April 17, 2008 at 2:18 pm
I adore your commentary. I must know, why has the image changed three times for this post?
April 17, 2008 at 6:00 pm
Margaret:
I forgot that you love Midori! Someone once told me I should never drink anything that tastes like a Jolly Rancher candy. Just so you know.
April 17, 2008 at 6:01 pm
Othurme:
Do you remember a song from the seventies called “Shamballa”? Something like, something something something how does your light shine - in the something of Shamballa? Is Shamballa a place?
April 17, 2008 at 6:03 pm
Cris:
It would be interesting to get the Lama and Pope together. What would they talk about? Where oh where do their diverse religions intersect? They’d probably just end up talking about the last episode of Lost.
April 17, 2008 at 6:04 pm
Pixie:
I just never found just the right picture until I went to http://www.marriedtothesea.com and perused the comics. I laughed at loud at so many, but this one was my favorite.
April 17, 2008 at 6:07 pm
MTTS is so funny. Cruel Shoes turned me on to it many moons ago and I always forget about it. Must go peruse.
April 17, 2008 at 9:08 pm
According to Wikipeida - In Tibetan Buddhist tradition, Shambhala (also spelled Shambala or Shamballa) is a mythical kingdom hidden somewhere beyond the snowpeaks of the Himalayas
April 17, 2008 at 9:27 pm
And I had totally forgot about that song…it’s by Three Dog Night. And now that you brought it up I totally want to play it in my band now.
April 17, 2008 at 11:14 pm
As a Buddhist, I have no comment to these shenanigans, other than the only reason the Dalai Lama visits Seattle is to pay homage to Eddie Vedder and drink Seattle’s Best coffee. Also, him and Bill Gates secretly play Wii tennis together. It is written in numerous Buddhist texts.
April 18, 2008 at 3:11 pm
Greeting my Friends!
I have enjoyed my visit in your lovely city and my quality time with the Pope. What a nice man! However, I doubt the 15 before him could have matched his endurance for nightlife, and his karey-ok voice. He was bummed that there were no chants in the selections.
During our night-out he let me kiss his ring, but wouldn’t let me wear his hat!
He was to meet with the city fathers and the owner of the Seattle SuperSonics to mediate their contract issues and to keep the team from moving to Oklahoma. He invited me along, but I declined since I don’t care where the sonics play soccer.
In closing, I must say that some of your comments about me, while amusing to your readers,are hurtful to me but I forgive you my child!
Peace on you all!
April 18, 2008 at 3:43 pm
Dear D.L.:
Thank you so much for weighing in on your most holy visit to the Emerald City. I confess, some of my comments - and those of my readership - are likely uninformed and no slander was intended! We all seek the same place of love and enlightenment!
For somewhat selfish and personal reasons, I hope your contract talks go abysmally, as traffic around Denny and Olive is atrocious on game nights! Please - if you see fit - seek on behalf of said Sonics things such as skirted uniforms and mandatory home permanents (hairdos) for all the players. Then perhaps they may leave us and leave us in peace.
Ta ta Mr. Lama! Have a scotch on the rocks in first class on your way home for me!!
April 18, 2008 at 7:03 pm
You know that end scene in Annie, where Annie and Daddy Warbucks tap dance and sing “Together At Last” under a starry sky-written sky? My hope is that one day Pope and Dalai will finally put aside their differences and reenact this scene. Maybe with more fireworks though. And probably a margherita machine.
April 19, 2008 at 4:55 am
Moetricia:
Yes! A margarita machine and some dwarves. That would be awesome. I wonder who outlive the other?