Leezer

Leezer:     …. they call themselves Thetans and believe that Xenu, an alien ruler of the “Galactic Confederacy,” brought billions of people to earth 75 million years ago in a spaceship that looks sort of like a DC-8 -

DAG: Pray, what is this ‘DC-8′ of which you profess?

Leezer:  It’s a vehicle that travels through the air at a high rate of speed; so as I was saying -

DAG: Much like my hand-cart when such conveyance is borne against my oxen or other hooved beast.

Leezer: Yeah, sort of like that.   Anyhoo, according to Scientology, this Xenu dude stacked the human-filled spaceships around volcanoes and blew them up with hydrogen bombs.

 DAG:  These ‘Scientologists,’ are mad then? They possesseth the humour and bile of Beelzebub, and remain unswiking to God’s rights.

Leezer: Well most people think they’re a little crazy, but most of them aren’t dangerous.

DAG: Gemǽdla!  Where is the trial by ordeal for such Xenuphiles?  Strapeth earthly stone weighing fourteen hogshead and one barleycorn in length to the demons and cast them into the raging waters.   Death will be too kind to those who déadian. The líffæst souls shall be spared but made to serve gruel to the beggars with the other simpletons.

Leezer:  Well, we have this pesky First Amendment.  So as I was saying,  Their souls of the bodies blown up by the bombs then clustered together and stuck to the bodies of the living.   Scientologists believe the alien souls continue to do this today, causing a variety of physical ill-effects in modern-day humans.

DAG:  Deliver me.

Leezer:  . . . . and besides having more money than God, she lets herself be photographed getting out of limosines wearing no underwear. ..

Dark Ages Guy:  In all Christendom, methinks the account you have thusly place before me to be the work of Satan!  And others pay homage to such a Jezebel?

Dark Ages Guy Applies for a Target Credit Card

Target Employee:  Good afternoon.  Would you care to save 10% on your Target purchases today?

Dark Ages Guy: Dear wench, thy wanton manner and forthright speech doth vex me.   Away with you, and send thy lord.

Target Employee.  Right.  Would you like to apply for a Target card today?

Dark Ages Guy:  I shall ask thy Lord and my liege for a trade of good value, two swine for the cod pieces (points to shopping cart holding  20 athletic cups, size L).

Target Employee (Sighing, chomping gum, and ringing up the athletic cups):  That will be $97.76. 

Dark Ages Guy: And will you fetch your Lord? The swine awaits thee.

Target Employee:  You can wait over there (points to Customer Service Desk) and they’ll answer any questions you have.

Dark Ages Guy:   Thou shalt suffer one thousand blows, methinks! Whilst thy master waits, your insufferable and factious talk infects thy soul!  Get out Satan!

Target Employee:  Have a nice day.