Leezer

Perhaps one history’s greatest tragedies is the failure of world leaders to seek my counsel when considering just how to rid society of famine, pestilence, and trademark infringement.  Since my pink princess phone isn’t ringing ringing ringing with calls from Madeline Albright and the Pope, I’ll enumerate some of my ideas here.  Then maybe all of us can get on with the business of Livin,’ Lovin’ (She’s Just A Woman!)**

 Brilliant Idea One:  The Darfur Solution:   As most of you know, George Clooney has appointed himself the ambassador of Darfur, hoping to inspire others to send aid there.  Had George consulted me, I would have informed him of an obvious solution:  Manning Sperm Auctions. 

Archie Manning ,Peyton Manning, and now Eli Manning have proved they are genetically superior human beings and they should be replicated.  (There is the small matter of the youngest Manning, Duane who is an Olive Garden Manager in Federal Way, Washington.)  There are many young women, gay, straight, married, single, whatever, who would pay top dollar for a vile of Manning sperm.  Here’s the plan: Christi’s (London) hosts monthly auctions on viles of Manning sperm until the proceeds from said auctions reach ten digits.  Then we’ll air drop packages of Cliff bars, Crystal Light, and condoms/spermicide on the war-torn country.  Problem solved.

 Brilliant Idea Two:  Presidential Candidate Theme Songs .  Ever since Bill Clinton adopted Fleetwood Mac’s “Don’t Stop” as his campaign theme song in 1992, presidential candidates have used popular songs to “brand” their campains.  They have done so, however, with dire and horrific consequences.  Recently John Mellencamp said he was uncomfortable with John McCain using his song, “Our Country” during the McCain campaign and asked that McCain stop.  (McCain is now using “Free to Be, You and Me,” By Marlo Thomas).   Unconfirmed rumors abound that Barack Obama is using Rock Around the Clock, but has changed the lyrics to “Barack Around the Clock).  Lawyers are in a tizzy filing requests for preliminary and permanent injunctions. 

I submit that instead of ripping off popular music, the candidates should think outside the box.  There is a wealth of unmined musical brilliance currently overlooked within the American Idol cast-offs.  For starters, Relando Lapuz is available.  His own song, “You Are My Brother” is perfect for Obama (please don’t send me hatemail suggesting I’m a racist.  Obama, himself, referred to himself as a “brother” when asked during a recent town hall meeting if Bill Clinton was in fact our first black president.”

In case you didn’t catch Renaldo’s stirring performance, I offer it here:

 Brilliant Idea Three:  Trap Osama Bin Laden.  When I was a little girl growing up in Kent, Washington, our Lutheran Church would host Pancake Breakfasts every Easter morning at sunrise.  Many would gather in the social hall as the scent of bacon and maple syrup wafted through the air.  One of the most obscure and mysterious facts about Osama is that he can’t resist a good old fashioned Lutheran pancake breakfast. 

Just as patriots united in Hands Accross America, the world, the WORLD should unite in the Great Pancake Breakfast Trap.  At a designated date and time, all Lutheran Church social halls in the world will offer a sunrise pancake breakfast.   Marine Special Ops will disguise themselves as volunteer servers.  Within forty-five minutes of the beginning of Trap ‘08, Osama will surface.  Special Ops will storm in with a giant butterfly net and capture the world’s most evil man.  Done and done. 

** Moparman/Momma-  Led Zeppelin Song “Living Loving Maid (She’s Just A Woman)” off of the Led Zeppelin II album, released October 22, 1969, produced by Jimmy Page.  Rock On!