Leezer

[Scene: 7:30 a.m. Georgia and I standing in driveway while we say goodbye to Elliott and Anna, who are getting into the car]:

 Georgia:  Mom, look at you! You’ve got one sock on, leggings where one leg is pulled above the knee, the other below the knee, and a stained t-shirt that says, “ask me about my explosive diarrhea!  What if someone sees you?

Me:  Well that wouldn’t be so good, would it?

If you’re like me, you’ve grown weary of Sunday evenings alone with a carton of Virginia Slims and a litre of Ketel One sorting your Carlsbad Caverns photos with one hand because you broke the other assaulting a parking lot attendant with a flash light.  Imagine my delight, then,  when last night I was able to break the tedium and watch the Eightieth Annual Academy of Arts and Sciences Awards Presentation Show. 

The annual Oscar telecast, not unlike an elderly eccentric aunt who rarely chews before swallowing and only occasionally wears pants but always drops a dollar in the mail to you every year on your birthday, never fails to horrify and delight us at one and the same time.

Case in point: the pre-Oscar red carpet interviews.  In an age when celebrities rarely possess a community college education not to mention a state driver’s license, the fact that most are nonetheless able to gracefully sidestep the dog-poo that is the entertainment channel-interviewer remains nothing short of miraculous.   

Here, I offer you but a sampling of questions posed to actors on the red carpet and challenge you to select the answer actually given by said celebrity:

Inane Question Number One: Ryan Seacrest to Jessica Alba: “Are you going to breast-feed your baby?”  Jessica’s response was:

(a)  None of your bee’s-wax Nosy Ned;

(b) No, I’m going to feed my baby shrimp tails and Corn Nuts;

(c)  Yes, and I’m going to sell my breast milk on e-bay to raise money for Darfur; or

(d) That’s a a rather personal question.

If you answered (d), you are correct.  [Fun fact: answer (a) was given by my husband when a co-worker asked him the same question about my lactation-plans].

Inane Question Number Two:  Unknown interviewer to Tilda Swinton:  “Who are you wearing tonight?”  Tilda’s response was:

(a)  Glad;

(b)  George Lucas;

(c)  Lanvin; or

(d) The National Pollution Discharge Elimination System (NPDES) Application Approval Board.

If you answered (c), you are correct.  [Fun Fact:  Tilda Swinton and I share the same birthday - November 5th.  She is older than I, and about four inches taller.]

Inane Question Number Three:  Gadfly Ryan Seacrest to John Travolta:  “You look amazing.  What is your work-out routine?”

(a)  As an Operating Thetan, I’m perpetually engaged in combat within the Galactic Confederacy on behalf of Xenu;

(b)  Chasing my man-servant, Paris, around the grounds with a pair of nail clippers and a cucumber;

(c)  Pilates; or

(d)  Two hours of weights, a half-hour of cardio each day.

The correct answer is (d).  Incidentally, doesn’t John Travolta look a lot like Curious George lately?

Final Inane Question:  Little Peter Pan Ryan Seacrest to Patrick Dempsey:  “You are usually Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected.  How do you calm your nerves on a night like this?”  Patrick’s answer was:

(a)  Xanax;

(b)  A trip to the supermarket to inhale the cans of whipped cream;

(c)  Meditation; or

(d)  Ten-minute interludes in the womens’ restroom with a few chapters at at time of Fear of Flying by Erica Jong.

The correct answer is none of the above.  I dislike Mr. Dempsey so much [I don't know why! Dont' send me hate mail!!] that I actually didn’t listen for his answer.

 There you have it.  The first installment of the Annual Post-Oscar Quiz.  I can’t wait until next year. Until then, I’m off to pass out samples of my breast milk to shoppers at Costco.

 Dear Starlett:

First off, I would like to congratulate you on your spectacular bosoms.   I assume you consider them great friends, at least that’s the impression we get when we see you squishing them together with your biceps in all those photos.  Which brings me to another point.  You are undoubtedly a smart ingenue, but your internally inconsistent remarks to the press together with your ribald photos lead you dangerously close to a reputation as a self-righteous blowhard.    Please don’t misinterpret this as the piggish ramblings of a small-chested matron, but constructive criticism from an older sister.

Case in point - your threat to sue US Magazine over its assertion that your nose was cosmetically altered.   You said,

I have always been straightforward with the press regarding my body image and I am very concerned that my fans (and perhaps even my employers) will feel mislead.

Suggesting that your employers might feel misled if they discovered you had a nose job implies that your employers consider your nose - in its uncosmetically enhanced state - a bona fide qualification for the job as  Starlett.   Here’s a little secret:  I don’t think your nose is what your employers like most about you.

More fundamentally, your threat is nonsensical.   Though you didn’t say under what legal theory you might seek damages from US Magazine, you are likely threatening a defamation lawsuit.   If this is how you wish to proceed, you will have to prove by a preponderance of the evidence that

(1) you are a public figure.  This should be fairly easy for youbecause of your Starlett-esque recognition in the film and fashion industries, as well as in the public eye (there was that little episode where Isaac Mizrahi groped your boobs at the Oscars);

 (2) the alleged defamatory statement is false.  In legal parlance, the burden of proving this element of defamation will shift to the defendant - US Magazine - meaning that the magazine will have to show that the statement is true.  Now, if it wants to hold up a couple of photos of your nose, this burden will be a tough one to meet.  After all, noses can look a lot different depending on lighting, makeup, whether the nose is full of snot, and so on.  Let’s just assume for the sake of argument that the magazine can’t meet this burden.  You’ll still need to show that

(3) the statement was made with malice (with intentional or reckless disregard for the truth).   To prove malice, it’s not enough to show a hostile attitude toward you or a pattern of critical remarks from the defendant.  You will need to show that the reporter who said you had a nose job made that particular statement with the intent of damaging your career; AND

(4) you were damaged.  This is where you’ll fall short, because if you can succeed with the first three elements, you’ll still need to show how a reporter saying you had a nose-job lost you money or notoriety.  Didn’t the reporter make this statement within the past few weeks?  Has your agent called and said, They’re not signing you to Titantic II/Jurassic Park III/Tropic of Cancer because you had a nose job?  Have you taken a look at where you’re working lately?  Are there any working actresses in Hollywood - besides Estelle Geddy - who haven’t  had work done?  Keep them guessing.  It will be better for your career.

Aside from your rather lackluster legal position, your indignation with the reporter sounds kind of snotty in a “Im so perfect I would never need cosmetic surgery”-sort of way.  Skip the lawsuit and donate the money you would have spent to a worthy cause like Vegans for Veterans. 

Then there was the remarks you made to the interviewer for Vanity Fair in which you said,

There does seem to be a mistaken belief out there that I am sexually available somehow which is not to say that I’m not open-minded about sex. . .  Contrary to popular belief, I’m not promiscuous. Yet I wouldn’t say I’m a serial monogamist, either. I mean, I went through periods of time when I was, ah, single. But when I’m in a relationship, I’m in a relationship.

The paragraph above isn’t merely internally inconsistent, it sounds like you’re smoking dope.  Let’s deconstruct it a bit.  You seem offended at the suggestion you’re promiscuous, yet you imply that when you were single, you weren’t a “serial monogamist.”  To make these internal inconsistencies more, well, inconsistent, you admit that:

I get tested for HIV twice a year. One has to be socially aware. . .  .. It’s part of being a decent human, to be tested for STDs. It’s just disgusting behavior when people don’t. It’s so irresponsible.

Call me a prude, but doesn’t getting tested for HIV twice a year mean that you either have a lot of sexual partners or that you’re an IV drug user? Assuming the latter isn’t an issue, then there wouldn’t really be a reason to test for AIDS every six months unless your partners - or their partners - changed every six months.   Call me silly, but perhaps statements like this contribute to the “mistaken belief” that you’re “sexually available.”  All one has to do is stand in line for six months.  Next?

So, dear Starlett, let me leave you with these parting words:  think before you speak, treat your interviewer as though he/she had a brain in his/her head, and don’t put all your eggs in one basket, so to speak.   Although you’re paid mightily for your boobies and that deep, throaty voice,  be sure to develop an inner life.  Someday you will be forty, and although there’s no shame in that, you might not want to play the mother/aunt/accountant.  So you’ll want to have an array of talents to carry you through during such times.  Continue to use sunscreen,  and - by all means -  don’t be photographed in the same venue as Paris, Lindsay, or Britney. 

 My Husband - Friend or Foe?

[Me]: I wish I was half as pretty as Halle Berry.

[My husband, studying me]:  Hmmm. .  . you’re half as pretty.

Leezer: It used to really bug me if someone didn’t like me.  Now that I’m older I don’t care.  Not everyone can like me.

Moparman:  I generally try to hit fifty percent. 

Grocery Clerk 1:  I can’t figure out why I’m so tired today [yawning].

Grocery Clerk 2:  I think it’s the weather.  [It was sunny and 68 degrees]

Grocery Clerk 1: No, I think it’s my intestinal parasites.

My boss to new employee:  I’ve talked you up, and they’re looking forward to meeting you.

New employee:  Can I trust them?

My boss:  They’ll tell you if you have spinach in your teeth.

[Annoying maintenance man from this post approached me in the lunch room yesterday.  Lucky me.]

Annoying Maintenance Man:  Hey, you’re a lawyer so can you answer this question for me?

Me:  I’ll try.

If my cell phone company makes me pay them $15 NOT to publish my name in a directory, isn’t that extortion?

Me:  no.

One of the best inventions around is Overheard in the Office, a site that publishes snippets of conversations people have heard.  The idea is that you e-mail the segment of the conversation to the site, and indicate - by address - where you heard it.  The person overhearing the conversation can’t be involved in it.

This is not that site.  But on a daily basis I am either involved in a wonky conversation - usually with my husband - or I overhear one.   I thought I’d share portions of those here, to be updated daily.   I invite you to e-mail to me the same, no holds barred.

First installment, Saturday September 15th, Sammamish, Washington, my backyard:

Elliott:  That Iraq war has turned into a big cluster f*ck..

Me:  Isn’t that when a bunch of people get together and pat themselves and each other on the back?

Elliott:  No, that’s a circle jerk.