Leezer

If you’re like me, you’ve grown weary of Sunday evenings alone with a carton of Virginia Slims and a litre of Ketel One sorting your Carlsbad Caverns photos with one hand because you broke the other assaulting a parking lot attendant with a flash light.  Imagine my delight, then,  when last night I was able to break the tedium and watch the Eightieth Annual Academy of Arts and Sciences Awards Presentation Show. 

The annual Oscar telecast, not unlike an elderly eccentric aunt who rarely chews before swallowing and only occasionally wears pants but always drops a dollar in the mail to you every year on your birthday, never fails to horrify and delight us at one and the same time.

Case in point: the pre-Oscar red carpet interviews.  In an age when celebrities rarely possess a community college education not to mention a state driver’s license, the fact that most are nonetheless able to gracefully sidestep the dog-poo that is the entertainment channel-interviewer remains nothing short of miraculous.   

Here, I offer you but a sampling of questions posed to actors on the red carpet and challenge you to select the answer actually given by said celebrity:

Inane Question Number One: Ryan Seacrest to Jessica Alba: “Are you going to breast-feed your baby?”  Jessica’s response was:

(a)  None of your bee’s-wax Nosy Ned;

(b) No, I’m going to feed my baby shrimp tails and Corn Nuts;

(c)  Yes, and I’m going to sell my breast milk on e-bay to raise money for Darfur; or

(d) That’s a a rather personal question.

If you answered (d), you are correct.  [Fun fact: answer (a) was given by my husband when a co-worker asked him the same question about my lactation-plans].

Inane Question Number Two:  Unknown interviewer to Tilda Swinton:  “Who are you wearing tonight?”  Tilda’s response was:

(a)  Glad;

(b)  George Lucas;

(c)  Lanvin; or

(d) The National Pollution Discharge Elimination System (NPDES) Application Approval Board.

If you answered (c), you are correct.  [Fun Fact:  Tilda Swinton and I share the same birthday - November 5th.  She is older than I, and about four inches taller.]

Inane Question Number Three:  Gadfly Ryan Seacrest to John Travolta:  “You look amazing.  What is your work-out routine?”

(a)  As an Operating Thetan, I’m perpetually engaged in combat within the Galactic Confederacy on behalf of Xenu;

(b)  Chasing my man-servant, Paris, around the grounds with a pair of nail clippers and a cucumber;

(c)  Pilates; or

(d)  Two hours of weights, a half-hour of cardio each day.

The correct answer is (d).  Incidentally, doesn’t John Travolta look a lot like Curious George lately?

Final Inane Question:  Little Peter Pan Ryan Seacrest to Patrick Dempsey:  “You are usually Mr. Calm, Cool, and Collected.  How do you calm your nerves on a night like this?”  Patrick’s answer was:

(a)  Xanax;

(b)  A trip to the supermarket to inhale the cans of whipped cream;

(c)  Meditation; or

(d)  Ten-minute interludes in the womens’ restroom with a few chapters at at time of Fear of Flying by Erica Jong.

The correct answer is none of the above.  I dislike Mr. Dempsey so much [I don't know why! Dont' send me hate mail!!] that I actually didn’t listen for his answer.

 There you have it.  The first installment of the Annual Post-Oscar Quiz.  I can’t wait until next year. Until then, I’m off to pass out samples of my breast milk to shoppers at Costco.